How a Little Experiment Made 2020 Make Sense

Time to get Sappy, y’all. Here’s something I’ve been pondering on since 2016, the worst year of my life until 2017, which was somehow still worse than The Current Hell Year (on a personal level), which still ranks pretty high.

I’m too dumb to be a Real Scientist, but have always challenged myself with personal social experiments. It’s how I test my values or study other people & I’ve done it all my life, from the time I chose to stop shaving at 15, to embracing the uncertainty of the road as a “digital nomad” three years ago. …

Why Can’t I Look Away From this Trainwreck

cw: *A note on my use of the word “Bitch”: this is a reclaimed term I use playfully, sincerely, & ironically all the time. It is context dependent, being more easily understood through inflection. Usage of it in this context is to emulate the language misogynists use against people they deem reckless, messy, & unfit for doling out life advice. I, too, at times myself been a Messy Bitch & make no apologies for it. I use it to draw attention to the problem of calling some people this term while excusing the same behavior in others & for humor. …

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Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

first caught sight of one half of ’em maybe six years
or so
five years after I tried smiling more
ten years after everything seemed

my full of shit detectors
my are you serious
my yes I know more than you about this but it’s not polite to say I guess I’ll let you explain it poorly
it’s not polite to frown with your forehead
so a grimace replaces a graceful exit
could never keep my mouth shut while my elevens yelled
& I’m the betting type that those words
were wasted

I adore them on others
signs of a life well thought
a worry kept close
not content
to not examine
a concern that won’t be smoothed by smiling
the first signs you’re done
with the men who are done with you
elevens hunt men
so they run to smoother…

We Have Learned Nothing

Spoilers ahead, obvs.

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Borat disguised pranking a crisis pregnancy center worker. It’s funny because those people are dumb, haha.

I watched Borat 2 so you don’t have to! This whole year has felt like living in a knock-off of the year 2006 and watching this movie was no different. They basically took the same script from the first movie, told the same jokes, and swapped out the people who were being pranked like many sequels do. It all fell very flat and was overall boring as shit. I would say I was disappointed but didn’t have very high hopes to begin with. Some areas of comedy still very much haven’t been updated in 15 years. …

More things you don’t have to say, shouldn’t say, and actually saying out loud diminishes the effect you were probably going for — save yourself now by reading this & Part I. If you have to say it, well, don’t. For the love of all that is holy, good, or pleasant bite that tongue if you feel any iteration of these phrases wiggling out of your mouth hole.

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Don’t make me make this face.
  1. “Ally”

This shouldn’t have to be said but it you know it does. Well, maybe not You you, but every one of your (or your only) LGBTQ+ & BIPOC friend/s know it to be true. Stop. It. We’ll tell you if you’re an ally. And you sure as hell don’t get a letter in the acronyms either. And no, your jokes about how many letters we, The Queers, get to use aren’t funny. Real allies sit down, shut up, and bring delightful gluten free baked goods to the bell hooks book club. …

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The face you deserve to get when you say any of these out loud. (Photo by Ayo Ogunseinde)

The truth in the untruth is revealed in boasting. Certain attributes and titles are given by others, not declared, and in declaring one reveals such attributes to be false.

Here’s a guide to sayings & believings that simply aren’t the case if one says them out loud:

  1. “I’m dominant/a dom”

Self explanatory. Now clean my house.

2. “Maverick”

You’re not in Top Gun and by needing the approval of others by adopting a nickname you yourself chose rather than being assigned you have shown that you are merely a follower.

3. “I’m a really honest person”

Honest people don’t have to make a case for their honesty. Survey says: you’re full of shit. …

cw: animal abuse, human abuse, spoilers

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My home had been invaded by a jobless man, but he would say I invited him to move in after a tense, apprehensive discussion a few months after we met. To say he was my partner implied there was something equal in this whirlwind relationship — “relationship” being a term I still felt unease about nearly a year later.

By the time we sat down to watch the movie, I had recently found he had started the situationship under false pretenses. Still reeling from a divorce, everything felt foggy and confused. I couldn’t trust my gut or my mind, which of course was used to his advantage. A mutual friend had just visited and gave even more disturbing news of his not-so-distant past behavior. We commiserated over the men who’d tried to break us but she had escaped to live a life I had dreamed of — traveling around the world untethered. She was the one who suggested we watch The Lobster, so we curled up together over a bottle of wine. To say I loved it was an understatement; it’s still one of my favorite movies. …

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Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Working the daily grind ground me down into a pile of ashes, but like a bad ass phoenix, I rose again with the help of a very special lady named Ayahuasca.

I first felt called to the Plant Medicine when Craig from accounting mentioned getting blasted on it in Chile. He described it as “the sickest shit ever” and that it helped him become his “Craig-iest self, bruh,” so of course I wanted in. Turns out, this magic bark helped people recover from all sorts of huge bummers and since I was sorta bummed about whether or not I was living my best life doing PR for a hoverboard startup, I had to try it. …

The Text Message

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Photo by Harrison Moore on Unsplash

Hey, how’s it going? That was a rhetorical pleasantry you needn’t answer because things are now exponentially more tense since you received my ominous, unpunctuated text.

What do we need to talk about? Is it the way you forget important dates? Was it my birthday today? Was it the dog’s birthday? Are you spending too much time with your co-workers at happy hour? Or maybe it’s the way you grind your teeth like the town blacksmith himself is forging a fireplace in our bedroom every single night? …


MK Lords

writer, talker, modern menace. make contact:

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