Dance Aerobic Tuesdays Mandatory for New ANTIFA Members
Howdy everyone! In case the last email went into your spam folder, we here at ANTIFA would like to remind everyone that Dance Aerobic Tuesdays are mandatory for all new members.
As you all know, we’ve had an influx of new folks chomping at the bit to get a taste of that sweet anti-government aktion, but smooth moves are vital when you’re fist fighting the police. A lot of people think being in ANTIFA is all stealing classified documents and breaking the windows of Dunkin Donuts — that’s a huge misconception.
ANTIFA is an elite team of anti-government forces with the finest and most nimble fighters. We live in the shadows and strike when least expected. But that doesn’t mean we’re all work and no play! Dance Aerobic Tuesdays are a great way to meet your fellow insurgents and let loose for a cool 55 minutes each week. You think you’re gonna be able to pick up that tear gas canister and throw it back at the cops and get away in time without the dexterity vogueing and squatting to Comrade Britney’s remixes will give you? Think again, bucko.
We need our members to be in tip top shape for when cops fire sorta-kinda lethal weapons into crowds of people demanding basic human rights. Dance Aerobic Tuesdays are just as important as Weightlifting Wednesdays and Molotov Mondays. You gotta be a well rounded soldier to last in those mean streets where a moderate Republican could be lurking around any corner. Quick reflexes save lives!
Being in ANTIFA isn’t for the weak in spirit or heart. You will have your vitals taken before and after Dance Aerobic Tuesdays to ensure peak performance has been reached. As per my last email, this clause was agreed upon when you signed your original contract. Failure to attend Dance Aerobic Tuesdays will result in your immediate dismissal.
ANTIFA is proud to call you comrade and thanks in advance for your mandatory cooperation with the mandatory Dance Aerobic Tuesdays. See you on the dance floor! 💃🏴